Why do you abuse your wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend, partner or child? Oh yea i know, it’s because YOU ARE A BITCH! I am so sick and tired of society offering up excuses for you, like you had a rough childhood, your mommy and daddy didn’t hug you enough or you have a drug or alcohol problem. Bullshit! It’s because you are a punk ass bitch with serious feelings of inadequacy who needs to be treated just like the piece of shit abuser that you are.
Abusive men and women come in all forms. Some abusive men and women only verbally abuse, other abusive men and women only physically abuse. There are abusive men and women who verbally, physically, mentally, sexually and financially abuse their partners. Abusers need to feel in control and because of feelings of inadequacy inside themselves, they abuse their partners to feel powerful and in control. They ensure they gain these feelings of power and control by abusing their partners in any way which works for them.
Domestic Violence does not discriminate against age, race, color, creed, gender or sexual orientation. Women may hesitate to call for help… men are even less likely to ask for help. Society has been taught to think of domestic violence victims as women…. it is time for society to open their eyes!
Abusive men are nice at the start of the relationship but work fast to gain control of you. They will subtly isolate you from your friends and family and lower your self-esteem. Never give up any of your friends or family. Abusive men isolate you from them because it is easier to control you. Abusive men cannot handle others getting attention from you. They feel jealous, insecure and powerless if they do not have every minute of your time. Abusive men cannot handle these feelings. They do not know how to express this in an acceptable manner so they lash out. By hurting you, the abuser will gain control of the situation and feel good about himself. He does not care how you feel or how much he hurts you in order to feel good. Any sign of remorse is because he is afraid you will leave him, not because he feels bad about hurting you.
There are five main abusive relationship signs. These fall into the categories of verbal, physical, mental, sexual and financial.
Abusive men or women will lightly verbally abuse their partners first. They will make out as though they are joking. If you laugh at or overlook any name calling or put downs which come out of their mouths, you are only making them believe that it is ok to call you names. Making fun of your beliefs, habits or attitude is part of mental abuse. You are entitled to your own beliefs regardless if others share them or not. Abusers constantly pick on the littlest things because it is making them feel good about themselves.
Physical abuse is an obvious abusive relationship sign. Physical abuse can come in the form of pushing grabbing, slapping, punching, kicking. Disrespect of your body or your property in any form is how abusers try to control you. Sexual abuse is being forced to have sex against your will. Just because he or she is your boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, wife or partner it does not give them the right to your body if you do not feel responsive. Good men or women do not force their partners to do anything that they do not want to do or make them feel bad for refusing sexual advances.
Some abusers will limit their partner’s access to money. This is financial control. Abusers only give their partners enough money to ensure that they stay close. If they give out too much money then that gives the opportunity for their partner to leave them. So, they limit their partners allowance to ensure they cannot be abandoned.
The abusive relationship signs are easy to spot once you know what you are looking for. Never make excuses the first time you see any of the abusive relationship signs. Making excuses such as they did not mean it or they have been drinking only encourages them to continue and to escalate the abuse because you stayed the first time they showed abusive behaviour. There is no excuse for abusive behaviour and being the victim of abuse is not because you did anything wrong even though abusive men and women would make you believe that. They are the ones with the problem and the only way to deal with an abusive man or women is to not have them in your life. Abusers do not change. They have abused their partner before you and they will abuse the partner after you. SO WAKE UP AND GET OUT OF YOUR ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Yes I know it’s easier said then done. And for many reasons it will be the hardest decision of your life to get out, but you deserve respect and to be safe and happy. And understand that the anticipation of an event is always greater than the actual event. YOU WILL MOVE ON AND LIFE WILL BE BETTER!!
Related articles
- Survey: 30 percent of women abused in relationships (cbsnews.com)
- Dating Violence Common Among Teens (education.com)
- Spotting the Signs of Emotional Abuse (everydayhealth.com)
BREAK IT DOWN PETE 
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You made some very good points in this post, one thing I appreciated was that you acknowledged leaving is easier said than done. Surprisingly society in general is not very understanding or compassionate towards the victim, especially if the victim goes back. .
I used to think I would never allow any man to abuse me; because I had never been there I didn’t understand why “women” didn’t just leave. What people don’t realize is that (as you said) the abuse starts small, it can be subtle and insidious. By the time the victim even realizes they are in danger they have lost so much of their independence and their support system that they feel helpless.
People may mistakenly believe it is dependent needy women with low self esteem that get sucked into the web of the abuser. But often it is the exact opposite, the independent woman presents a challenge and the abuser has to be very cunning and devious to ensure they control the victim.
If the victim does leave the abuser will try anything, say anything to get them back, they will apologize, admit they were wrong, promise counseling, threaten, cry, and become the sweet passive guy they were in the beginning.
I cover the signs and types of abuse in my blog in depth, because at 43 I got involved in an abusive relationship and I, like you want to shake people, scream, make them understand that it is a very complex problem. Just leave can be dangerous advice and “tough love” or withdrawing support because the person went back can put the person’s life in jeopardy .
I had never been abused before, I was a strong independent woman and I stayed/went back for 10 yrs. The abuse got so bad I would probably be dead now if I would have stayed. By the time I left I had no support from my family and was too embarrassed to ask for help from my friends.
The abuse was subtle, there were no black eyes, but he had managed to get me fired, evicted, destroyed my business, sabotaged my vehicle, alienated me from my family so I had NO support system, (my mother and step dad gave him exactly what he wanted` me with no where to go), he spied on me, video taped me without my knowledge, broke my phone and.laptop and destroyed any thing of sentimental value to me. I can not explain how twisted this man was or how absolutely mentally and emotionally beaten down I was.
I had given up trying to defend my boundaries, values and feelings in an attempt to find peace because it was just too much work. I credit his sister with saving my life, she came to live with us and she was my staunch advocate, time and time again she reaffirmed I wasn’t crazy, she was my second pair of eyes that confirmed it wasn’t my imagination, she was the voice of reason when he was telling me I was insane and paranoid.
I have been out for 11 months and I am no where near healed, the emotional and mental scars go so deep, they haunt my dreams still. Just this week I woke up crying because I had dreamed he was laughing while I cried.
(((((((Aneesa)))))) hugs to you! I feel your pain and inderstand your frustration, and MC you are such a special person, so kind and wise.
BidPete thank you for speaking out about a very serious problem and sharing your experiences. My son was out of the house when I was involved with this man but he did live with me for a period of time and he tried to defend me and it put him in danger. I didn”t tell him what was happening when I went back because I was afraid he’d either kill the guy or get killed trying. It is a horrible thing for a child to endure, especially a boy. The hatred my son has for the guy is scary.
Carrie THANK YOU for this incredible comment. I found you thru a great blog (Mystery coach). And i am so glad I did. I am going to write a new post and want to include this comment in it and i hope you do not mind. If you do please tell me and i will remove it.
I am honored you feel its worth repeating! Thank you!
And MC is great isn’t she? I’m glad we found each other’s blogs. You restore my faith in men and people like you, (Aneesa, MC, WFFME) and so many others I’ve met since I started my blog, have restored my belief that there are many caring people in this world.
I’m sorry you felt you had to explain yourself but thanks for doing it anyway I really appreciate it. I didn’t think you were speaking from the top of your head as your post was very in depth.
What’s difficult is when you see or hear the subject being broached a cascade of emotions envelope you. You feel the hurt pain everything all over again like your there living it.
We haven’t healed because we cut each other off just when everything came to a climax. The journey to heal stopped dead right there.
I don’t know how people survive this… I really don’t.
AWESOME! Thank you. Please, Please, Please i only replied so seriously because i felt your pain and anger and i did not want to be responsible for causing it. I wanted you to know that i do not take the subject lightly. That it’s probably nearest to my heart and this is why the blog exist to bring awareness to it and to find people like yourself to offer opinions and life experiences and maybe some one can be helped. I really enjoy your blog it shows how creative and artistic you are. Please join me and contribute your voice to any conversation that we have here. It’s not all gloomy we have some fun also.
Abuse, abusive relationships… It’s so easy to dish out advice unless you are living it or have lived it.
It’s never as simple as “get up and get out” if only…
Anyway Im not in the mood to say anymore… Subject is too close to home for me… Another time maybe…
But stop saying get out… Coz do u know anyone that got out coz he/she was told to… No never… They don’t … They can’t… It takes more than that… A lot more… A helluva lot more…
Honey, he just wants to see people living happy and not abused. He’s not being judgmental, he intents to convey his frustration (I think) as to how horrible it all really is and it’s (as you know) all over, It’s so sad, it’s horrible. I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger, 21 through about 23 years old and I left. I understand that it’s difficult to leave these situations, and I understand how difficult it may be to support a person who is in one.
Honey, I wish I had the magic words to get through to a person who is involved in these types of relationships to make them leave. This is what Pete is kinda saying too. (sorry Pete not trying to speak for you) This is a very sentitive topic. I like his strong stand on it because I’ve been there and it’s unacceptable. It’s not okay … Come’er honey (((( HUGS ))))
Thank you. It is ok to speak for me as you do it so much more eloquent and gentle then i know how. There is no part of this blog that is Bullshit. This is my reality, form the 50’s and 60’s when there was no political correctness, internet, women’s groups etc. It frustrates me that with all the resource’s available now. Abuse continues and the abused continue to make excuses why they can not change there life’s. I am a bit rough around the edges i know, but i just want to get people talking and moving, I WANT TO GRAB THEM AND SHAKE THEM!
Thank you. I can be quite the bull in a china shop myself at times, I assure you of that. It bothers me as well it is very frustrating for me to see any one human being abusing another, manipulating them, disrespecting them in any way. Yes, they can get the help they need, I did a post a while back about abuse I should dig it up again so you can see it. Their behavior so buried in their heads with all this garbage and it’s very sad and it’s frightening, at least for me, to see how many people are still on both ends of these situations. i.e., those who abuse and those who tolerate it.
Welcome! WOW Thank you for the comment. I have been waiting for some one to offer some real life experiences and thoughts for a long time. Please allow me to explain a few points. (1) I am getting at the abuser. The post is directed at the abuser. Most abusers do it in private, in secrecy i want to put them on blast. (2) The second part of the post is factual information provided to assist people outside of the abusive relationship to be able to recognize it so they can shine a light on it and let the abuser know thats it not private or secret anymore. (3) This part is not advice. Advice would come with concrete steps to follow. This subject is to complicated and dangerous for a blog to tackle. It requires professional help from crises counselors, law enforcement, legal services, maybe child protection services and maybe even church officials. What i am saying at the end is from my heart and REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES. I grow up in an alcoholic family where my father brutally beat my mother for a decade or more while i was to young to help her. When we became older we helped her along with the church and social services to GET OUT! And thru out the trauma of getting out, going on welfare, living from house to house. We saw the possibilities of a better life, of sleeping all night with out being awakened to get beat on. So i understand the anticipation! I understand the fear and the pain of being beat as i was. And lfe did get better for us when we finally woke up and got out. Not so much for my dad as he took his life as he probably would have ours if we stayed.
The emotional scars never go away… They stay forever like open wounds seeping blood and ooze…
It’s ripped our family apart. Even years on the accusations fly left right and centre.
I did write something on it one day as I didnt want to write about the abuse but more off the effects of how routine and mechanical it becomes.
I wish you to take a look and read the comments that followed.
Thank you! I will. Please come back and comment some more any time. I know what you are speaking of. I hope it gets better, Keep your head up…
Oh my goodness… Pete? Good for you for having a better life. Good for you. Oh hell, where are the tissues? Don’t you have tissues around here? 🙂
Have you ever read the book by The Gift of Fear? That fella went on to help SO many people due to his abusive upbringing it is a truly amazing and validating book (at least for me) … I think Gavin DeBecker wrote it.
Thanks i will check it out. And no time for tears, I’m a tough love type of dude. I hate that i had to sort of validate what i said earlier in the post. I do not want to speak about my past life. I speak the way i do because i can. I have lived it! aLL of it the GOOD AND THE BAD! There is very little that a person can talk about that i have not experienced or have some personal knowledge of. It frustrates me when people don’t fight with every thing inside them to make changes. Like when you hear i can’t find a job? What they really mean is i won’t because i am lazy. Ask that person what they have done and they will tell you a bunch of bullshit. Did they send out at least 50 resumes, contacted at least 10 recruiters, printed out business cards with thier skill set on them to hand out everywhere they go thru out the day, Did they go down town and enter a business building and go door to door on every floor looking for work or did they post a few resumes on line, checked out want ads in papers you know bullshit like that. For everything in life you have to suck it up and work and make it happen.
Oh no 🙂 The tissues are for me and the tears would come from empathy. Sharing your experiences isn’t totally validating what you’ve been through, more explaining your position and this is very helpful to those who read because we can identify more with you. More of a sharing type thing.
You know? I did job searches just this way a number of years ago. I didn’t do the whole go from building to building thing, I needed to save the gas in my car but I get your drift. I used to sit at the computer for hours, going through the phone book online, calling faxing just because I could “just in case” things like that.
Suck it up and work and make it happen. I was watching some motivational video’s over the weekend and Will Smith was one of them. He was saying the same thing only different. I hear ya.
Amen brotha! Tell it like it is! Nice title too… “Because you are a BITCH” HAHAHAH!
Pete, I think we may have the development of a good blogging relationship here. I like the way you discuss respecting your wife and how a relationship is supposed to be. Very nice …
I sure HOPE SO! There are so many incredible readers and contributors here on my site and you certainly are one of them. I certainly do not profess to know shit! Any more then anyone else. What I want to do is to share in my 55 years of experiences and offer my honest opinions. With out JUDGING or being JUDGED. Take from it what can help you and throw the rest out! You choose! And for a husband and his wife or a wife and her husband (if you like) B.T.W. this goes for boyfriend and girlfriend, Gay and lesbian relationships. Because trust me if you are honest with yourself, even in those relationships one of the partners has to play the male or female role. WTF you are excited and proud to brag about and show off your new car, flat screen, clothes, house, money, talk about how much you love you car. But you cant feel the same way obout your partner, say it every day, tell it to everybody you know. Brag about her, encourage her, excite her, make her you number one priority!!! If you are a true man or woman, Shit this is easy to do. So look in the mirror and answer this question? ARE YOU A BITCH OR NOT!!!
Thank you for the compliment Pete 🙂
Oh hell, I need a tissue. No judgement, strong opinions and sharing works for me. Some things, like this though, require judgment because it’s not right and what I would personally like to see people do is dig the hell in and rip themselves up, put themselves back together and stop being so … afraid. Man up, do it. It can be done, it’ll knock a person to their knees first but it’s not like we can’t get back up. That’s for sure. Bring it… lets go! LOL 🙂
you’re right, it is the hardest decision in one’s life – and it is also the best decision of one’s life. most of all the emotional abuse is difficult to recognize because the bruises and scars left behind aren’t visible to the naked eye and take a lifetime to heal
there is no happiness in living in fear, and there is life beyond
you touched a chord or struck a nerve, not sure which exactly – maybe a little of both
I eagarly await your wise and frank oppinions, Pete!
Hi Pete! I happened upon your blog after you susbscribed to mine! I love all of your posts, but especially this one. Keep telling it like it is!
Welcome! Yes i read your Blog and I am blown away by some of your post. I want to comment on some of your post like (FUTURE HUSBAND) and I will at some point, but for right now you are so complex that I am a little off balance as to word my comments.
so true so true
Yes it is. Thank you for the visit
Amazing article, well written.
Absolutely fantastic! I would like to memorize and recite to all my friends and family members who can not seem to get themselves out of abusive relationships.
Well said brother man. I have two sons and a stepdaughter myself. I become physically ill every time I read or see in the news how another parent has beaten their child to death. It’s so sad because all these little ones want is the love and approval of that parent. They can’t defend themselves against this person who was (if you believe in it) entrusted by God to protect them. Anyway, it happens to spouses as well like you said, but I have a special soft spot in my heart for kids. Way to call out the pansies who need to pick on someone their own size and see what it feels like.
Thank you…Please also read my post WHAT YOU THINK YOUR A MAN on page 2 https://breakitdownpete.wordpress.com/page/2/ also FATHER IS WHAT I AM. It’s men like you and i who have to be engaged with our youth and teach them the joys and value of a loving and nurturing relationship with our children and partners.
Well written. Sounds like you worked in the field. I did once. It’s harrowing and rewarding but amazing how things often don’t change no matter the educational advances in society. Thanks for a good reminder.
Wow thank you so much… No i am not a professional. Just a father of 3 daughters and a grandfather of a 5 year old beautiful little girl. For a total of 5 women in my life. I really enjoy your professional writing and will be commenting soon.